Tiger Woods and his wife Elin have a new joint marketing deal, and they're sbout to release a pair of commercials. Because this is a pre-release version, I'll obscure the names of the companies involved. But here are the ads:

Tiger:
When I'm tearing down the hall with my wife in pursuit, I don't want just any running shoes. I want the best, the very best. Some over-priced sneakers are nothing more than air-pumped showpieces. Others are comfortable, and that's nice. But XYZs are built for speed, power, and traction. Think about it, men. Do you want to take the chance of slipping in a waxed hallway when there's an angry she-wolf with a 9-iron racing for your back? I think not. So get XYZs. Remember: if you can't hide your cheating, get the sneakers that outrun a beating!

Elin:
Gals, is your husband a real pr**k? Did you just find out that he's been dipping his wick in other candle-holders at just exactly The Wrong Time Of The Month? I'm telling you gals, it could happen, and when that red curtain of rage comes down and obscures everything but your target, you're going to grab the first handy club-like object, and you're going to be wailing away on that sucker's skull faster than Bill Clinton on a cheeseburger. You're mad enough already, and he's stronger than you are. Gals, this is NOT the time for a cheap flimsy golf club. You want one that's light enough to sail through the air, but sturdy enough to shatter the back window of an Escalade, and still be intact when you've got half of the Eagles starting lineup holding you down and trying to rip it out of your estrogen-fueled fist. So get XYZs, the clubs that can take a bashing and keep on thrashing.