From Joshl2@aol.comFri Jul 12 10:14:14 1996 Date: Thu, 11 Jul 1996 18:31:26 -0400 From: Joshl2@aol.com Subject: Joke 7\11\96 -- The Complete "Shit List" The next batch of jokes will be sent out on Monday >> THE COMPLETE "SHIT LIST" >> >> >>TAOIST: Shit happens. >>CONFUCIAN: Confucius say, "Shit happens". >>BUDDHIST: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. >>HINDU: This shit has happened before. >>ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. >> If shit happens, kill the person responsible. >> If shit happens, blame Israel. >>PRESBYTERIAN: This shit was bound to happen. >>SOUTHERN BAPTIST: Let this shit happen to someone else. >>FUNDAMENTALIST: Shit that happens will send you straight to hell, unless >> you accept Jesus as your personal saviour. Shit that happens to >> evangelists is okay, especially Jim and Jimmy. >>LUTHERAN: If shit happens, don't talk about it. >>WISCONSIN SYNOD LUTHERAN: If shit happens, don't talk about >> it, and wear nice undies in case you wind up in an >> emergency room where somebody might see them. >>ROMAN CATHOLIC: If shit happens, you deserve it. >>EPISCOPAL: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you >> serve the right wine with it. >>METHODIST: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you >> serve the right grape juice with it. >>JEWISH: Why does this shit always happen to me? >>CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: If shit happens, only God should clean it up. >>CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit happening is all in your mind. >>BLACK MUSLIM: Only pale shit happens. >>SATANISM: .SNEPPAH TIHS >>CONGREGATIONALIST: Shit that happens to one person is just >> as good as shit that happens to another. >>UNITARIANISM: Shit that happens to one person is just >> as bad as shit that happens to another. >>COUNTRY/WESTERNISM: Momma, don't let your baby grow up to be shit. >>AGNOSTIC: What is this shit? >> Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not. >> Did someone shit? >>ATHEISM: I can't believe this shit! >>NIHILISM: No shit! >>EXISTENTIALIST: Existence precedes excrement. (To do shit is to be shit.) >> Shit doesn't happen; shit IS. >> What is shit, anyway? >>DEIST/PAGAN: Shit is part of the Goddess, too. >>SCIENTOLOGY: Feces occurs. (See p. 157.) >>HARE KRISHNA: Shit Happens Shit Happens Shit Shit Shit Happens Happens >> Happens, rama rama... >>MOONIES: Would you like to buy some shit? >> Only really happy shit happens. >>OBJECTIVI$T: I'm not gonna buy thi$ $hit! >>PROGRAMMERS: Bit happens. >>TANTRIC HINDU: Fuck this shit! >>CHURCH OF SUBGENIUS: Slack Happens! Praise "BOB"! >>DRUIDISM: To shit is to maintain the balance. >>ZEN: Shit is, and is not. >> What is the sound of shit happening? >> If someone shits in the forest and no one is there to hear it, >> does it make a sound? >>CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don't work. >>CREATIONISM: And on the seventh day, God created shit. >>SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISM: No shit shall happen on Saturday. >>DARWINISM: This shit was once food. >>RELATIVISM: Shit = MC^2. >>QUAKERS: Let us not fight over this shit. >>UTOPIANISM: This shit does not stink. >>DYSTOPIANISM: This shit stinks, so have some soma. >>FEMINISM: Men are shit. >>CHAUVINISM: We may be shit, but you can't live without us... >>CAPITALISM: That's MY shit. >>COMMUNISM: That's everyone's shit. >>COMMERCIALISM: Let's package this shit. >>ABSTRACT IMPRESSIONISM: From a distance, shit looks like a garden. >>ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM: Up close, this garden looks like shit. >>MINIMALISM: A piece of shit is a piece of shit is a piece of shit. >>MILITARISM: This shit is classified. >>BUREAUCRACY: To obtain The Turd, part no. 6623451 (a.k.a. "shit"), please >> fill out the requisite forms in triplicate. A ten-day >> waiting period is mandatory... >>IDOLATRY: Let's bronze this shit. >>STOICISM: This shit is good enough for me. >>HEDONISM: There is nothing like a good shit happening! >>MORMONISM: God sent us this shit. >> This shit is going to happen again. >>WICCAN: If it harm none, let shit happen. >>RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit! >>ZOROASTRIANISM: Shit happens half on time. >>JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: May we have a moment of your time to show you some >> of our shit? >> Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the >> righteous shall survive its happening. >>PRACTICALIST: Deal with shit one day at a time. >>NEW AGE: Shit crystallizes, then it heals you. >>ASTROLOGIST: There's some intersting shit on your chart! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------- To subscribe to the mailing list please send a message with the subject SUBSCRIBE to joshl2@aol.com To unsubscribe to the mailing list please send a message with the subject UNSUBSCRIBE to joshl2@aol.com For contributions (money or more jokes) please send a message with the subject CONTRIBUTIONS to joshl2@aol.com PLEASE PASS COMPLETE JOKES ON TO FRIENDS PLEASE TELL FRIENDS TO JOIN