From: Joshua Danowitz <danowitz@carfax.ims.advantis.com 
  
          Microsoft Introduces New Application - Windows Panhandling.
  
   Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around
   babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a
   new product for Windows 95: Windows Panhandling.
  
   "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me
   for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing
   a golden opportunity.  Here was a chance to make a profit without
   any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became
   my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several
   times."
  
   Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
   Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
  
   "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
   and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
   Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
  
   Windows Panhandling will be automatically installed with
   Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the
   user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough
   money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software
   engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and
   Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The
   user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
   change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's
   bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which
   case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No"
   button has not yet been implemented.
  
   "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
   Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
   within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
   2014 comes out. Maybe. Just maybe."
  
   Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
  
   "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
   takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy,
   which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
   Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically
   refresh your windows.)
  
   But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
   Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
   own.
  
   "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
   drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
   Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers
   asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines
   asking you for money."
  
   Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"
   General pandemonium then ensued.
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