From ameddaug@eagle1.eaglenet.comMon Mar 25 13:08:02 1996
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 96 13:25:07 PST
From: ameddaug@eagle1.eaglenet.com
To: dogman@mindspring.com, GothChilde@prodigy.com,
    hfarkas@carfax.ims.advantis.com, MannazRune@aol.com, rkat@ix.netcom.com,
    s103665@jaguar1.usouthal.edu
Subject: Need a Laugh????

Astrological Near Death Experiences
                            .........................remember I'm 
am ARIES!!!!!


LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then back in, then out, then in, 
and finally
out again...Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at 
the other
end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin - 
that looks
like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through 
the tunnel
or not (after all, what's death without someone to share it 
with?), Libra
ends up back in the body by default, hounded by the mysterious 
compulsion to
start a dating service for discarnate souls.

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes he no longer has a 
stomach and
immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, 
light, God,
etc., ....making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his life.

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and 
leaves the
body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling 
tunnel of
light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements ... but 
soon
becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing 
without her"
that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, 
and calmly
pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to 
brainstorm
different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly 
dead, most
can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being 
with whom
they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on 
the other
side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong 
contender.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience 
itself, but
how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about 
it). Since
all Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without 
telephones,
they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly - and the 
mouth tends to
work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven 
isn't run by
consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing 
anarchy
and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near death 
experiences
tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Pete, 
the
celestial choir, and on and on (another reason to opt for hell). 
Once in the
underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies 
with their
loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are 
quickly expelled
back to the body.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the 
stupid way
she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, 
she
absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying 
to get out
of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). As Sag is 
immensely curious
about whether the so-called organized religions have any validity 
at all,
this stroke of luck leads to amazing lessons, until, alas, the 
astral folks
tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the 
duration.

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, 
please. Am I
dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I 
get a crystal
palace backlit with white light like that one?"

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is 
dead
because there are special rooms set up to look like executive 
offices for
newly-dead goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in 
and gives
Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL 
MARKETPLACE,
plus a "job evaluation" type of assessment of Capricorn's 
achievements and
mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the 
body is
revived). Capricorns tend to return to their bodies quickly, 
unable to
tolerate non-physical existence for long.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't 
usually have
near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having 
a near life
experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for 
"supplies."

PISCES: For some reason, our Pisces friends barely notice their 
near death 
experiences. Instead, many report seeing beings who tell them to 
go back to
their bodies during a typical day at the office.

LEO: When Leo the Lion has a near death experience, upon returning 
to the
body, he realizes that he can use his NDE to get attention from 
his many fans
and royal subjects (a.k.a. friends and family) for years to come. 
Now that's
something worth nearly dying for! ! !


        Shoot for the Moon! Even if you miss it, you'll land among 
the stars.